By Kaylena

Beep beep beep
5 hours of sleep
My eyes are so tired and I feel so weak
10 more minutes and I’ll be fine
Set the alarm again
Close my eye
Ughh alright
Eyes barely able to open
But I have been woken
so I’ll get up

My first-hour I’m tired, of course
I can’t talk much
I have to keep myself awake
I’m not able to do much
It is hard to focus
Every time I read my mind trails off
Into a million thoughts
Then I snap back, but I find the words never stuck
“It’s ok I will do this at home”
Next hour I will be better
Next hour I will be more awake

But with this, a little seed was planted deep in my soul
And little did I know it would grow and grow
A seed of rushing and frustration
And there is nothing to stop it

But I do get to my next hour and I am a bit more awake
I know no one in that class though
So I sit silently
Listening to the teachers
Doodling a bit
Daydreaming a bit more
And then we get to work
Starts off well
Then I don’t understand
I ask a teacher for help but they end up being no help at all
They brush off my question
Or make a sly comment

Alright, another seed was planted then
And little did I know it would grow and grow
A seed that told me you needed to be embarrassed to not understand
Are you dumb?
Everyone else is done
If the teacher sees you’re still working, they’re gonna be mad
Thank god the bell rang, I’ll do this at home, on to the next

Now the first seed grew a little more
As if a clock wound up
And jumped every second a bit more
The feeling of ticking in my heart
It was faint but I could notice,
The sprot popped through
But i can ignore it for now

Next hour finally someone I know
This is the person who makes my day
The reason I get up and come here
much to the teacher’s dismay,
We laugh and talk all hour
And don’t get anything done
But in my mind, it is just
Because why should I have to be miserable all-day
If I can giggle with a friend for one hour
That’s what I say

Now each seed grows a bit more
I am not doing enough!
But how can I do enough?
If I wasn’t able to take a break
All my steam would run out
The train would slowly shut down
And i would not be able to do all hours
What is it to just one?
But the teacher knows I haven’t been paying attention
When I ask what to do they sigh
When I ask how to do something they tell me to pay attention next time
And I understand why they would be upset
But I need that time in my day to be happy
I need that time to not stress

Rest of the day I know no one
I am sad and exhausted running out of ink
The day is too long
The work is too hard
I try but my brain just doesn’t work
The gears aren’t turning in my head
But the gears in my heart are
They are speeding up everything I don’t get done
Ticking becomes louder till that’s all I can hear
The stress fills my chest till it gets uncomfortable to breath
I cannot finish the work because my brain inst working but my brain isn’t working because I am stressed I haven’t finished the work
It wears out every part of my body
My bone feel brittle
My muscles strand
My head has a heartbeat of its own
But there is nothing I can do
For this cycle repeats every day.
And the work piles up and my brain swells and swells
The ticking in my heart won’t stop for a second
It is so constant that even on weekends I can’t relax
Even when school ends I feel there is still more to do
It takes a while for this feeling to go away
And when it finally does
School starts back up again
And it starts all over

I wonder if I’ll die young because of the stress I have
I wonder if one day the ticking will get too loud and burst an eardrum
Or will pulse too hard and bust my heart
There is not much I ask for but understanding
Understanding when you just don’t understand
Understanding for when you just need a break
Understanding when you just can’t take much more
And then I hope the ticking will go away
For good

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